Benton Barracks (near St. Louis, Mo.)
Jan. 1 - 1862
[1862/01/01]
Dearest Ellen
[EES]
Again have I failed to write to you as I promised. Again have I neglected the almost only remaining chain of love & affection that should bind me to earth. I have attempted to write several times but feared to add to the feelings that already bear on you heavily -- too heavily.
Could I live over the past year I think I would do better - but my former associations with the South have rendered me almost crazy as one by one all links of hope were parted.
We have here a specimen of the same disorder which prevails elsewhere. A mass of men partly organized and badly disciplined with their thousand and one wants. But this is nothing to the fact that I am here in a sub-ordinate place whilst others occupy posts that I ought to. I cannot claim them, for having signally failed in Kentucky and here I could not command a higher place. Buell I see reports his command a mere mob and has now to begin to discipline them, in an enemy country, and when everybody is clamorous for action. If I could see the least ray of hope for this combination I would still struggle.
I am in about the same state of health as when at Lancaster, but the idea of having brought disgrace on all associated with me is so horrible to contemplate that I cannot rally under it.
I will try to be more punctual in future writing you my Dearest wife who has been true & noble and generous and comforting always. That she should thus be repaid is too bad. And our dear children, may God in his mercy keep them in his mind and not let them suffer for my faults, Pierce's Army has again retired South, but I see no evidence of a decline in the Secession feeling here. We had men under arms all last night expecting to be called out, but nothing happened. I have not heard from you for some days. In your last you asked to answer about sending the children to Notre Dame. I think you had better keep them near you always, but you know best. Bless you and keep you as their guide till they can for themselves.
Yours
W. T. Sherman
[WTS]
Head-Quarters, Camp of Instruction Benton Barracks (near St Louis, Mo.)
Jan 5 1862
[1862/01/05]
Dearest Ellen
[EES]
This is a cold black Sunday - Ground is covered with snow, and the Soldiers shiver in the wind. I have walked out to visit Hospitals for we have many sick.
Luke was up yesterday from the Barracks to see me, but went back in the evening - He says Charley had something fall on his foot whereby he was lamed, but it is not serious. Luke looked natural enough and doubtless wanted to some to stay with me. I have no need of him & warned him against becoming a soldier for which I suppose he is annoyed. Don't come to St Louis -- it would afford you no pleasure or satisfaction. It looks like a besieged town and the inhabitants do not seem as formerly. I rarely go down, and then on business. I stick close to the Barracks. There are two Brigadiers here beside myself -- Strong & Hurlbut; beside two assistants -- Hammond & Curtis. Also the wife of Capt. Smith, who keeps a kind of mess, where we get our meals. There is no room for you. The men's quarters are also filled to overflowing, hardly standing room. Some of the Regiments you saw here are still here. Some have gone & others come. Turner came over to see me but as I did not go out I suppose he too will drop me. Indeed my circle is a narrow one now -- but could I ever promise myself the love & affection you have ever shown me & the society of our children I think I now could content myself anywhere. I know my relinquishing command in Kentucky will be harshly adjudged by all men but I could not manage the case, and it is far better that Buell should be there as he don't care much what happens. McClellan is sick, no doubt also from causes similar to mine, to feel that a vast responsibility rests on him and no visible means of extracation. If he advances & fails it is fatal, and Beauregard will not attack Washington except around by Frederick of Harpers Ferry. Buell must go on slow or fast, and do what he may his enemy will be prepared.
Here in Missouri Price has fallen back to Springfield and his men are scattered back to their homes ready to assemble again at a signal. Halleck has certainly thus far succeeded and God grant he may continue.
There are about 1500 prisoners of War confined in McDowell's College and the Secession Ladies furnish them with all the delicacies of the town. I think Halleck will send them up to Alton.
I would much prefer you would remain at home as quiet and happy as possible and try and sever your thoughts from me who hardly merit them. I have given you pain when it should have been pride, honor and pleasure, but this unnatural War does weigh heavy on my mind & heart.
Yours
W. T. Sherman
[WTS]
Benton Barracks
Jan 11-1862
[1862/01/11]
Dearest Ellen
[EES]
I received your letter of Jan 8th and could I feel as I used to would feel proud of the allusions. I am sorry that Elly's eyes are yet sore and that Lizzy is afflicted as you describe. Poor child. I would not grieve that so innocent a child should sleep in calm and innocent death. This world is so concocted that happiness can be in store for but few, and for ours I feel an intense solicitude. Oh that I could recover the past few months. I know and feel that I stand disgraced by surrendering my command in Kentucky, deservedly so, and I cannot recover from it. It is past hope. Now I can do some service but not such as was expected of me. Four Regiments are now under orders from here to Cairo from which point a feint is to be made on Columbus to direct attention from Bowling Green on which Buell is moving in force. I still think his forces are too raw and weak to assail so strong a place, but the pressure on him is so great that he must go on.
Here in Missouri, though, Price has fallen back towards Arkansas. The Secessioners do not feel discouraged for they say reinforcements are coming to him from the South, which I believe is so. Another event of discord has also arisen among the German Regiments here who are so obstinate and dogged that dictate their own terms. Some of the companies have been disarmed and many others should be. You know the character of these Germans and how almost impossible it is to reason with them. Hallock was very much disturbed by this.
I inquired for Phil at the Planters House, but he was not there. I left word for him to come out here. We have a street railroad.
I prefer you should not come. I will make an effort to get into the Field, but I hardly think they will ever entrust me with a command again. I cannot blame them. My advice is for you to live quietly and as comfortably as you can in Ohio where you are not to spend a cent when you can help it and so to manage that in case of accident to me you can live for a few years trusting in that Providence that watches over the poor and oppressed. I know I take a gloomy view of things and could not otherwise, but I should stand up to it like a man and perish if need be. Feeling then that I could not remain as a leader and in so doing have committed a fatal mistake, for let what come may, success or failure, neither but will add to my humiliation. For you I feel more keenly, and when the figures of Minnie and Lizzie and Willy stand before me I feel as though I could cast myself into the Mississippi.
I saw last night a letter your father had written to Hallock about the treatment of Railroad prisoners. I know Hallock esteems your father above all other men and he will be guided by his advice. Some may be hung or shot and others allowed to go with the news to their Commands, whilst others are held as hostages for the safety of the Road. This will be the wisest possible course, but will not stop them. These Rebels are banded together and will destroy the country and lay it waste rather than see it pass into the possession of the Yankees. Some Bridge burners have been arrested, tried and convicted, though their sentence is not public.
I have a letter from John and I have written to him why I did not order an Expedition to East Tennessee. We did not have force enough to attempt it for the enemy was collecting in too great strength in South Kentucky to justify detailing to the Mountains a force large enough to reach Tennessee. Nor had we arms to send them -- Everything came so slowly that the season was past before means were provided. Still all will fall on me, and I will be held responsible that a brave people did not receive the success they had reason to expect.
Affectionately
W. T. Sherman
[WTS]
Benton Barracks Mo.
January 16 - 1862
[1862/01/16]
Dearest Ellen
[EES]
Phil & Van Trump came out last Saturday. I went in on Sunday & met them and Charley at the Planters House. Phil came out night before last & said he and Charley would come out yesterday before starting. I could not go in so I gave him $120 with orders to buy at St Louis shirts for Willy -- Snake (a game) for Lizzie. Paints & Pencils for Minnie, and sundry things for the little ones. These things all recall my feelings for these children & makes me wonder if I could so far recover lost ground as to be of any use to them. I thought by going to Washington you might satisfy yourself, whether or no it is possible for me ever to attempt to extricate myself from the disgrace into which I have sunk, but on reflection I think you had better not. It would place you in a false position for God knows you have been true and brave all the time, and on me alone should fall this blow. I therefore think you had better stay at home quietly.
I have been sick for some days and not able to go to the City to draw pay for December. I will do so soon and send you, but as to gold that it our of the question. You'll see but little of that again, paper and promise to pay will be all the money hereafter. Gold will seek a more safe & stable country, and we must content ourselves with such paper as will pass current. If you collect your February note in St Louis of Hon? hamp & Harris loan it in Fairfield County to some farmer whose land will be security and who can supply you marketing in lieu of interest.
About the old House -- I hardly know whether to press it now or not. You surely will live in Lancaster and that old House would suit you very well. I have contributed more to it than John or Charles -- yet John has the sole management, for I never dreamed that a time would come that my family would seek it as a home.
I have not seen Turner since I last wrote. I suppose he sees the fix I am in -- and thus is cut off the only class of friend left me save relations. All the old families here, even Campbell, are now Secessioners and nothing will change them. This has split the Merchants Exchange which has caused a good deal of feeling in the City.
On the whole I think you had better stay at home quietly this winter and not go to Washington -- trust to John and see what time brings forth.
I do not see that any of our Military Commanders are making much progress which is impossible this cold weather, but as soon as spring opens there must be something done as 'tis ridiculous to protract the strife. Columbus is almost impregnable, and to descend the Mississippi is already an impossibility. The movements in that direction are mere feints to draw off attention from Bowling Green, and I do not believe that Buell will attempt Bowling Green yet. He takes it quite coolly, but he knows that every step South adds to his detachments and calls for additional Regiments.
My love to all
W. T. Sherman
[WTS]
Jan 16 1864 (Judge Sherman's house -- next door to the Ewings)
Head-Quarters, Camp of Instruction Benton Barracks (near St Louis Mo.)
Jan 19th 1862
[1862/01/19]
Dearest Ellen -
[EES]
I have just received your letter in which you say you will go with your father to Washington taking Lizzie along. Poor Lizzie. I almost wish she would quietly slumber in Eternal rest and escape the sad events in store for us. She is so quiet I question that Life can give her little pleasure, though to such is often allotted length of years. Were it not for you I would ask nothing better for myself. And I do not wish your partiality to involve you further.
I have always felt disinclined to have a leading place in this drama of War for I have been so much South that I have concluded that this separation is impossible to prevent but will lead to other complications and I do not feel like leading or even in fashioning events. Could I slide into any obscure place I feel I would be willing to work hard and will, but I fear I may not now without dishonor. In leaving Kentucky I confessed my want of ability & nerve for that important command and the past has shown I was sadly mistaken in the power & plans of the Enemy. If you can be assured that I will be allowed to keep in the background, here or anywhere, I had better not change.
The movement from Cairo is of cannon and men first -- to attack Columbus will require a very heavy force and a long siege -- and unless Buell has at the same moment advanced towards Bowling Green this feint may prove a disaster or at all events discouraging. The papers have not yet announced whether Buell has left Louisville or not -- the more he thinks the more he will pause in putting much distance between him and Green River. The clamor of the crowd is almost irresistible but McClennan stands up against it well. I do think, however, he should make the first move, his army was partially experienced before he pushed Buell & Halleck too fast.
(rest of letter missing)
Benton Barracks
Jan 29 1862
[1862/01/29]
Dearest Ellen
[EES]
I received last night your letter from Washington and do feel ashamed that I should have telegraphed to John to prevent you being indiscreet -- the idea is absurd -- with such a load of indiscretion on my own shoulders that I should caution you against it. Thomas (Gen. George H) is simply indifferent about the angry causes that now inflame the minds on men -- like most Army officers his associations were of that class which has tainted us all more or less. I certainly have not the same character I would have had, had I not lived so much in the South and experienced so much of their peculiar hospitality. I also wanted to keep out of the war and knew the first set could be swept away in the tempest of passion, besides in Louisiana I said I would keep in the background and before I was aware of it I found myself in the prominent position in Kentucky.
I ought to have called about me the best men I could find & trust to events. (name erased) trusted too much & so when Thomas' letter came out I felt so discouraged I asked relief. It looks very different to me now, although I would not resume the place for the world -- but being in it I should have stayed.
The War has not yet begun. The fight at Somerset was a rare piece of good fortune and I hope more such will attend us for without them the People would turn against us. I think I cannot be mistaken in that but I will not philosophise on these points.
I have sent off several Regiments from here lately and would be happy to follow. I have not seen Mr. Lucas, Patterson or Turner for a long time, and it does seem hard. If our side wins of course they are with us, if their side wins then, also 'tis well for us to be old friends. Of course I do not expect to survive the War; I don't any of us, save the children, Bowman was here yesterday, spent the day & went up to Chicago on business. He was full of praises of you -- your father and all. His Regiment is down at Cairo in the mud, and he wants to get away -- anywhere -- to Kentucky, and sure enough there is where he should go. My limit will be reached before a blow is struck at Columbus or Bowling Green.
Poor Lizzie. How I would like to lie us down together in that common grave and sleep the long sleep of Eternity. With the Mansfield hills that might burden me down I would feel safe with her gentle spirit. I should not feel cast down at all were I to hear that poor Lizzie had gone to Heaven for if she go not there, there is no such place. My thoughts fly back to the time when a baby I used to toss her at our place on Stockton & Green Streets. And ever do I recall her look when you came back to California -- and frightened Willy by the excess of affection. Scenes long since vanished thus rise up, amid all which Little Lizzie, leaning upon her mother, her nurse, or on me, Gentle, soft and affectionate. Oh but this damned world is too rude for her. Let her pass gently away, and should it so happen I would ask no greater favor. than to sleep by her side. I don't know why it is but I feel toward her different from our other children. All others seem more of this world and I somehow or other think they will get along, but Lizzie is different and in my heart I shall grieve but little when I know she is gone -- only I hope my time will be measured by hers.
I sent you some money and caution you again and again about economy. The time is fast approaching when Gov's will no longer pay anything except what cannot be had without money. Already Gov't is in debt here 8 millions and I hear the same all around the country. What will be done when money & credit are exhausted I know not. Will our people fight without pay? And can families live without money? Hold on to what you have and go to the country when money is gone.
As ever yours
W. T. Sherman
[WTS]